Am I scared of my cancer? No. Am I concerned? You damn right I am!

I’ve learned a lot during the 278 days since being diagnosed with inoperable, stage IV colo-rectal cancer.  The cancer has metastasized to my liver and it is incurable.
 I had been aware of my situation for four months. The straight forward prognosis on Wednesday from my oncologist figuratively slapped me in the face hard.
 Am I scared? No.  Am I concerned? You damn right I am!

I tossed and turned in bed Wednesday night/early Thursday morning wondering what one needs to do when his life expectancy timetable is in doubt.

Following over four hours of assessing my future, I concluded that it is imperative that I stay positive, and take life a day at a time - nothing more, nothing less.

In bed Wednesday night, I remembered when my Uncle Tom was diagnosed with pancreatc cancer three decades ago. I remember my dad telling us kids were told not to talk about it. I remember wondering why?  I guess for those of that era contracting cancer was expected be kept “in family.” 

 I know that dealing with my cancer has been difficult for my kids - Aimee and Kim.  I’ll be honest, I wish I would get more phone calls from the kids. It’s hard to explain, but being able to talk on the phone with the girls makes me feel safe in a time when I’m feeling very vulnerable. It’s almost like the feeling I got growing up and talking to my parents when I was in need of comfort. Those are feelings that I’ll never forget.

I must try to find a new openess with loved ones. Share my thoughts and feelings with them. Cancer affects all relationships. Communication can help reduce the anxiety and fear that cancer can cause.

I have come to the conclusion that I must lay-down some ground rules for myself as I battle the “big-C."  Instead of moping around home, I need to get out and participate in enjoyable activities. Recent data suggest that people who maintain some physical exercise during treatment not only cope better but may also live longer.
 
Being active will improve my energy level. I must have a healthy diet and get adequate rest in order to help myself manage the stress and fatigue caused by my cancer and its treatment.

I’ve decided to keep a journal to help organize my thoughts. When faced with a difficult decision, Ibcan list the pros and cons for each choice as a means of making a proper decision.

I need to become more involved with Gida’s Club in Madison. I admit that being involved in its support groups could be beneficial for me.

I still feel the need to continue to make visits to the American Family Children’s Hospital in Madison and visit with sick kids and their families.  I cannot fully convey how putting a smile on someone’s face motivates me.

I’ve definitely had good days and some very difficult days over the past 42+ weeks.  During this time period, my No. 1 goal has been to talk positive about my situation. I have done my best to chronicle my days battling cancer. Hopefully I have helped my CaringBridge Journal readers to be positive in regards to their own situation. 

 A day at a time!